Having had little experience with married life, just about 3 years, I am still enquired about what is the secret of a happy marriage. Upon giving it some thought and observation, I think a happy marriage is based on two basic things: Acceptance and Forgiveness.
Acceptance is when you acknowledge somebody’s short comings and their nature as it is. A true acceptance is when you make peace with the other person’s basic nature, be it being lazy or hating something that you love. If you accept that and still love that person without trying to change him/her, your relation shall become stronger everyday!!
Forgiveness means you have to let go of their mistakes and make sure you do not bring them up in every other conversation or argument in the future as a reminder. You truly forgive someone only when you let go of your ego and are ready to forget the mistakes completely.
I think any successful relationship, not just marriage, is based on them- be it between parents and their children or siblings or friends or any other relationship for that matter. If you cannot accept another person as they are with all their good and bad habits, then that relationship is bound to have issues.
We will all agree that there is no better example for Acceptance and Forgiveness than a relationship between a mother and a child. That is simply because a mother accepts her child as he/she is. She tries to mould her child into someone she would like him/her to be, but there is only so much that she can do. After that, the child learns from the world around it and parents have to accept that. A mother always forgives her children for whatever mistakes they make. She is not judgmental and loves her children no matter what happens.
Siblings fight and go separate ways because of the same reason. They are not ready to accept each other with their mistakes and do not forgive. Their ego and attitude comes in the way. Couples fight and break up because they are not ready to forgive each other and embrace their partners as who they are.
Does that mean accepting and forgiving will make all relation successful? NO..!!
Arguments still happen. We are, after all, human beings! Sometimes we agree and sometimes we disagree. Disagreements can sometimes turn into an argument and result in unwanted words spoken which might hurt someone. What should we do then? Should we just let them go?
Let us suppose a scenario – we have an argument with our spouse and then we decide to not talk to each other that day. Then the whole night both partners will think about it, both may wake up feeling crappy and then end up fighting with some other close person or with someone at the workplace adding to the mental stress level. Why should we take this added stress when it can be resolved then and there?
I believe we should never go to bed angry or hurt!!
Before you end your day try to resolve your issues and feelings with the person concerned. It is always good to express our thoughts rather than keeping them to ourselves and waiting to vent it out all at once, some other day causing more damage.
Do note that just blurting out your feelings is really not the way to go. It should be a healthy discussion where it is not only important to express our opinion but also to listen to others. Maybe we could learn a thing or two from them. Maybe they are giving you some insight they have of the issues you are facing or an angle you haven’t yet thought.
But when we are in an argument, we do not think and put our ego and attitude in the forefront. The opinion that matters the most after that is our own without even listening to what the others have to say. In the worst case, we should at least try to end the day on a positive note with something like “Ok, let’s discuss this tomorrow.” Or “Let’s think about it. Maybe you are right or maybe I am right.”
I know “It is Easier Said than Done”, but believe me I am also trying. I am also learning and trying to improve myself and curb my anger. My husband and I have this rule of not going to bed angry. Hope this will help you in improving your relations. I would love to hear your thoughts and inputs on how we can sort it out at the end of the day.